Wednesday, May 6, 2015

i still fall down

This past Tuesday was my test results day/chemo day.  After ten years of chemo and tests I had become immune to the anxiety that happens with test results day.  This time was different.

I woke up and immediately was down.  I got dressed, got ready, my mom came to pick me up, all normal stuff, and on our way we went.  On the way to the doctor's office I sat numb.  I didn't speak, I couldn't speak.  Tears continuously flowed out of my right eye.  I couldn't stop it. 

My head was going in circles.  My thoughts were of my throwing a tantrum in my oncologists office, I'm not sure what about.  Maybe it was because I was just sick of all of the nonsense.  Tests after tests, treatments after treatments, crazy news after crazy news.  In my mind I tell myself how lucky I am to still be here.  I honestly know I am lucky.  I have been able to watch my daughter grow and flourish into a young woman.  She is now fourteen and in high school, finishing her freshmen year. 

I still have those thoughts though.  The negative thoughts.  The ones that send me to my oncologists office in my head, trying to imagine talking to her, but only tears come out.  Without knowing why those tears are flowing.  It's a mind game.  One I normally have control over, and not having control of it scared me. 

Fortunately I am close with the girls in the lab and they cheered me up without knowing what they were doing.  They didn't see the turmoil underneath the made up face and smile.  It was just another day.  I have to have my blood taken out of my foot and I'm a hard stick so it's always an ordeal.  A painful, hilarious ordeal.  While one tries to stick me, others try to sidetrack me and this day was just more ridiculous than normal.  I left there laughing and back to myself.

Just like that it was gone.  The memory of it is still there.  The desperation I felt, the lack of control, the fear of the unknown.  It reminded me of the first time I was diagnosed or those feelings of helplessness.  It scared me because I thought I was past those days.  The realization that I'm not kind of sucked.

I received good news though.  My cancer is of rare form and most of it only shows up on the ultrasound.  We normally do a PET/CT but because of my diabetes problem (for those years on steroids, thank you cancer) that had just reared it's ugly head I was not able to take the PET scan.  Also, because I am allergic to the iodine contrast for the CT scan I have to have a CT scan that doesn't really show everything but it showed enough. 

I have a few areas of growth but not enough to justify changing treatments.  Apparently there has to be a 25% growth to decide the treatment isn't working.  Some areas stayed stable, which is always good news, so all in all, good results.  I am tolerating the treatment well enough to stay on it so no change in my treatment plans.  Great news!

I left the doctors office renewed.  The darkness still in the back of my mind, but really far back.  My mom and I did our routine of lunch after treatment and we hit up Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro.  A perfect ending to the day. 



I wanted to be open and candid about my feelings.  A lot of times I wear a mask of being uncrushable but I had to release all of this.  Maybe some of you will relate, maybe it will help someone out there.