i still fall down

This past Tuesday was my test results day/chemo day.  After ten years of chemo and tests I had become immune to the anxiety that happens with test results day.  This time was different.

I woke up and immediately was down.  I got dressed, got ready, my mom came to pick me up, all normal stuff, and on our way we went.  On the way to the doctor's office I sat numb.  I didn't speak, I couldn't speak.  Tears continuously flowed out of my right eye.  I couldn't stop it. 

My head was going in circles.  My thoughts were of my throwing a tantrum in my oncologists office, I'm not sure what about.  Maybe it was because I was just sick of all of the nonsense.  Tests after tests, treatments after treatments, crazy news after crazy news.  In my mind I tell myself how lucky I am to still be here.  I honestly know I am lucky.  I have been able to watch my daughter grow and flourish into a young woman.  She is now fourteen and in high school, finishing her freshmen year. 

I still have those thoughts though.  The negative thoughts.  The ones that send me to my oncologists office in my head, trying to imagine talking to her, but only tears come out.  Without knowing why those tears are flowing.  It's a mind game.  One I normally have control over, and not having control of it scared me. 

Fortunately I am close with the girls in the lab and they cheered me up without knowing what they were doing.  They didn't see the turmoil underneath the made up face and smile.  It was just another day.  I have to have my blood taken out of my foot and I'm a hard stick so it's always an ordeal.  A painful, hilarious ordeal.  While one tries to stick me, others try to sidetrack me and this day was just more ridiculous than normal.  I left there laughing and back to myself.

Just like that it was gone.  The memory of it is still there.  The desperation I felt, the lack of control, the fear of the unknown.  It reminded me of the first time I was diagnosed or those feelings of helplessness.  It scared me because I thought I was past those days.  The realization that I'm not kind of sucked.

I received good news though.  My cancer is of rare form and most of it only shows up on the ultrasound.  We normally do a PET/CT but because of my diabetes problem (for those years on steroids, thank you cancer) that had just reared it's ugly head I was not able to take the PET scan.  Also, because I am allergic to the iodine contrast for the CT scan I have to have a CT scan that doesn't really show everything but it showed enough. 

I have a few areas of growth but not enough to justify changing treatments.  Apparently there has to be a 25% growth to decide the treatment isn't working.  Some areas stayed stable, which is always good news, so all in all, good results.  I am tolerating the treatment well enough to stay on it so no change in my treatment plans.  Great news!

I left the doctors office renewed.  The darkness still in the back of my mind, but really far back.  My mom and I did our routine of lunch after treatment and we hit up Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro.  A perfect ending to the day. 



xo

Shannon

I wanted to be open and candid about my feelings.  A lot of times I wear a mask of being uncrushable but I had to release all of this.  Maybe some of you will relate, maybe it will help someone out there. 

Chemo Day!

As the title says, today was chemo day.  Fun times as always.  Don't get me wrong I love my doctor, my nurses, receptionists, phlebotomists, medical assistants, schedulers.  I love them all.  For the past eight years they have been my "peeps" with rarely any coming and going.  Well there are new hires now and then but not many people quit.  You know you have a good team when that happens.

It's just we have to get blood out of my foot, which used to suck.  We've now learned tricks that make it not as bad, but that skin on the top of your foot is sensitive.  But I made it through that just fine.  My doctors appointment went well.  We discussed some problems, and some positives. Decided to increase my chemo and off I went to the 6th floor for some magic meds. My treatment went fine, and my nurse was not even able to get my MediPort with one stick.  Back story:  I have had three ports because they just wouldn't work right.  The one I have now has a habit of moving all around every few weeks throwing my nurses off of the game.  I have one nurse, I'll call her J, she can get it every time and has to show everyone what to do.  Life would be much more uncomfortable without J.  So, like I said, it really was a good day.

I just haven't felt well.  So getting out made me feel cruddy. But if you read one of my earlier blogs you will see that I do try and do something special on chemo days.  Today we went out to eat.  Its 'a fantastic po-boy shop called Po-boy Express.  This place has 8 inch small po-boys.  My mother and I were able to split one, get two waters and walk out spending eight bucks.  That's what I call awesome.  The po-boys are amazing too, so that was a major plus.

We ran some errands and made it home just in time for my daughter to see our cups and say "Oh!  You brought me some Po-boy Express!".  Uhhhhhhh.

Chemo days are chemo days.  I can't complain.  They don't leave me sprawled up in the bed sick as a dog (until at least the next day, sometimes not even that!) and the side effects of the drug I'm on are minimal compared to other drugs I have been on at other times.  I feel for anyone going through the hard drugs right now and my prayers are with you.  Always remember that most likely it will end soon and this will just be a chapter of your life and not the story of your life.  Always remember to have some fun, and to stop and smell the flowers.

xo

Shannon